#42: CMC

open day at the cemetery = cherry night at the embassy = red session at the hospital = milk passout at the opera = black aftershock at the bookmakers = quick sachet at the taxi-rank = duff apple at the crematorium = silk butter in the engine = sherbet bullet in the curryhouse = lemon newspapers in the asylum = catfish lights in the station = leper mannequin in the kisok = silk butplug in the PO Box = gauze stamp in the hard drive = amphetamine salad in the photocopier = lippy pork at the jury service = lobster amulet in the pancake = tampon tealight in the icebox = slippy visa in the birdbox = iron sock in the toybox = salami wrestler at the conference = eternal recurrence at the abattoir

#41: TJ

#40: CMC

Indecent Exposure, the new his & her scent from

#39: TJ

#38: CMC

THE LONDON FINGER

Why did you put your finger in your mouth in London?

I didn’t put my finger in my mouth in London.

Whose finger did you put in your mouth in London?

I didn’t put anyone’s finger in my mouth in London.

Whose finger was it then?

#37: TJ

#36: CMC

RADIO PLAY

: Hop-scotching dog shits on the pavement

: Knots of bronze

: You know about the white ones?

: The white ones?

: White dog shits

: What?

: Butcher’s bones – turns to calcium in the intestines

: How do strays get the butcher’s bones – is it a Beano chase?

: It’s not the strays, they eat out the back of the bakers

: People own these dogs?

: They let them out to shit just to keep their alleys clean

: The strays live better without the love

: Did I tell you my grandad invented the poopscoop?

: No

: He ripped the sponge from his wringable mop and put a plastic bag there

: Patented?

: No, he kept it the colour it was

#35: TJ

#34: CMC

#33: TJ

#32: CMC

Nets before blinds : there is no pulley system for daylight

#31: TJ

#30: CMC

This puppet is compelled by Dr Krupp

#29: TJ

#28: CMC

SUBMISSION POLICY

Please send no more than four gnomes

 

There is a cost of five peonies for entering each gnome

 

Gnomes must be accompanied by an SAE no bigger than the gnomes themselves

 

If you don’t believe passionately in your gnomes how can you expect us to?

 

Gnomes must be no taller than 49 lines

 

Accompany your gnomes with a concise biography

 

All winning gnomes will be asked to a prizewinning event where they’ll be asked to give a short reading

 

Gnomes must be original and previously unseen elsewhere

#27: TJ

#26: CMC

After fishing the cistern put back the sharks, slide back the cover & flush

#25: TJ

#24: CMC

Forged
Forged
Forged

Each one forged
as a bluebottle’s
cherry windfall
bandit reel

#23: TJ

#22: CMC

And all the constellations of stars believe the milkman is their God

#21: TJ

score for stone and limpid pool

((o))

#20: CMC

#19: TJ

#18: CMC

Captain Email & Captain Egg are looking for the white dog

#17: TJ

#16: CMC

Fluxus game : put the playing cards in the fridge. Rreeeerr! This Works!

#15: TJ

#14: CMC

The last working class man to wear leggings was Robin Hood

#13: TJ

#12: CMC

OCCUPIED : eight people share a pastry in a cubicle

#11: TJ

#10: CMC

The issues of the Lambeth Polis : taxis, car-parks & uniforms

#9: TJ

I LOST MY BOOKMARK IN THE RIOTS

#8: CMC

A custard pie in the face of a shaken tycoon

#7: TJ

#6: CMC

When love was sport the champion was Eros Ballplayer

#5: TJ

joke:

a)      I know an architect his life is in ruins

b)      I know an archaeologist his life is in ruins

#4: CMC

If you find out what the hole in the pie is for, let me know

#3: TJ

sandwich of the day

White semolina sub roll (70%) (wheat flour, water, rice semolina, yeast, salt soya flour, vegetable oil, whey powder, sugar, emulsifiers: E471, E481, E472e, preservative: E282, vegetable fat, flour treatment agent : E300) chicken & bacon (28%) (diced chicken breast (contains salt) mayonnaise (rapeseed oil, pasteurised whole egg, non-brewed condiment (water, acetic acid) water, sugar, salt, mustard flour, stabilisers: E412, E415, E410) diced bacon (pork belly, salt, glucose syrup, dextrose, stabilisers: E451, E450, antioxidant: E316, preservative: E520)) low fat spread (2%) (water, sunflower oil, rapeseed oil, modified tapioca starch, salt, buttermilk, emulsifiers: E471, E32, preservative: E202, acidity regulator: E330, vitamin E, vitamin B6 flavouring, colour: E160a, folic acid, vitamins A, D and B12)

#2: CMC

The clearest sign of a party in desperation is when the DJ starts dancing

#1: TJ

Introduction

A shared blog for the Maintenant project for Chris McCabe and Tom Jenks.